Lovely, beautiful, self-conscious, and brave questioner: As always, George has given you a deeply thoughtful answer, full of wisdom, and with workable ideas to actively manage your inner voices. If what he says speaks to you, that is wonderful. I have something to add here from my personal experience that may or may not be helpful. Ignor…
Lovely, beautiful, self-conscious, and brave questioner: As always, George has given you a deeply thoughtful answer, full of wisdom, and with workable ideas to actively manage your inner voices. If what he says speaks to you, that is wonderful. I have something to add here from my personal experience that may or may not be helpful. Ignore my words entirely if I am simply off-base.
You mention that when you are in a conversation, inside your head you are thinking about what to say, and after you speak, you wonder if what you just said was quite right. I used to do this. With certain (if not most) people, I would think about what I was about to say, then I would say it, then I would analyze what I just said—all while the conversation was ongoing. It was deeply exhausting. I think many people do this same thing, but not to the extent that my own head went through these mental machinations. It was like trying to solve sixteen difficult math problems all at the same time, with a teacher yelling at me the whole time, no, no, you idiot, what are you doing???—and pretending that no such thing was occurring. Is this what you mean? If not, then no need to read on. If so, then what I think you may have, dear questioner, is anxiety. And not regular anxiety like many people have, but perhaps the debilitating kind. Anxiety of the kind I am speaking of here can ruin a person’s life. I know because I have been there. The constant analysis—which comes from fear—often left me paralyzed. At times, it was easier to simply stay home than venture out the door and make human contact, where I would invariably fuck up in some way I never meant to. Then, I’d come home, think think think, and start the apologies. OY.
George talks very rightly about sending the voices away and then inviting them back in. But an anxious person has a terribly hard time doing this. It makes writing a kind of personal nightmare. You have so many thoughts—an anxious person has SO many thoughts—and you want to put them down so badly. But the anxiety has moved in and will not budge, no matter how nicely you ask it to leave or how much you accept that it is a part of you, or how kind you are to yourself for being who you are. The anxiety just sucks. And your writing? How can a person write when those voices are mocking and strutting and saying terrible things?
So, how to get rid of it? Grasshopper, that is the million dollar question. Getting older helps, but who wants to wait? I’m guessing you know all of the usual ways: taking a tiny anti-depressant, exercising, meditating, therapy. I’ve done all of these and yes, they all help—sort of. The biggest help, for me, is daily walking. No headphones. No walking companion. Just me and the sidewalk and my legs moving briskly. Yes, my mind goes a bit crazy and ruminates while I walk, but it also gets into a bit of a rhythm with the rumination. The main thing is that when I get back home—I walk for one hour—I have moved my body and now it’s okay to sit for awhile. I don’t have to feel anxious about sitting. I can sit with my computer and not feel like I’m supposed to be doing something else. (I also take the aforementioned teeny medication.)
George suggests you find a way to use your self-consciousness, which I’m calling anxiety. I wish anxiety really were a super power that you could put to good use. But anxiety doesn’t have any good sides. It just does not. You can welcome it and ask it to sit down for tea and you can say, please be quiet please, but your anxiety is rarely quieted that way. To my way of thinking, you need to get rid of it. (I realize this is a radical departure from George’s comments. Forgive me, all.) So this last suggestion may sound ridiculous, but honest to god, positive affirmations help. I read from a couple little books every day—one is from al anon and the other from another twelve step program—and damn if those little daily prayers don’t often speak directly to my heart and help me calm down and love myself. Love is the opposite of fear, you know. Positive affirmations about your own strengths and abilities help. I used to think they were so dumb, but I don’t anymore. You don't have to be a 12 step person to get something out of these little kinds of books, by the way. Reading positive thoughts is simply helpful, no matter who you are.
The other thing that helps is focus. When you reach a true zen state of focus and the world falls away, then the anxiety lifts as well. But how to reach this state when writing? I find that if I approach my writing as a puzzle to be solved, then I can more easily focus. So, any kind of constraint really helps. Telling yourself that in the next paragraph you will insert a certain three words is a good little game. Writing three sentences in a row of 20 words each is a good little game. Writing a paragraph in one long sentence is a good little game. Anything that forces you to concentrate on an additional level to the content of your story raises your mind game and forces away the outside voices. We can only concentrate on a few things at once! And then, later, you can rewrite, delete, whatever. All first drafts suck, that is all there is to it. So inserting little games is helpful and you don’t have to keep any of it later.
Good luck to you. I feel for you. I hope the anxiety drops away and leaves you be. In the meantime, please know that there are so many people out here in the world who deal with anxiety and understand how debilitating it can be to one’s life.
Huge apologies if I am off base with this comment. You may not be anxious at all! xo
This is a really good point Mary. I have anxiety and recognised the poster's tendency to analyse every conversation straight away. Like you I take a little medication, exercise, meditate, etc. It all helps but the anxiety is something I accept and live with. Of course it's going to try and sabotage my writing. I like your idea of an hour's walking first thing and coming home with a clear head to sit at your desk. I swim in the Irish Sea all year round and that, more than anything, has helped me to live more peacefully with my anxious mind. It's impossible to think at all when you're catching your breath in freezing water!
Yes! The debilitating chatter of my mind held me prisoner for many years (childhood, teens, twenties, and so on…), and using bits of everything you mentioned has helped me so much - probably the medication and walking most of all, but also meditation and reading. And now that I’m in my 40s and a mother, I just seem to not give a shit about listening to that part of my mind as much, either. I just got SO TIRED of it. I have finally achieved enough separation to ignore its haranguing - most days at least. It’s not as easy on nights I’m awake in bed at 3 am. How is it able to get so loud at that hour?
I used to spend a lot of time wondering which was the REAL me. The critical voice or the other one who felt bullied by the critical voice. I like George’s description of them being in two different offices, each having their role and purpose, and finding ways to use both of them. It’s not a battle, it’s is a collaboration.
But I fully agree with you, Mary. There is self-conscious anxiety that everyone has from time to time, and there is Anxiety with a capital A. The latter is a beast and no one should feel like they need to just toughen up and pull themselves up by their bootstraps to get over it.
Thank you for this, Sara. I remember the 3 a.m. wide awake moments, those voices yammering on and on. The two things that helped me the very most were having my children grow up and leave, and simply getting older. But neither was in my control over the years of high anxiety. Well, somehow, I got through. But it wasn’t easy.
Those voices! George nails it--the parts that seem destructive but in fact think they have a helpful role to play. Sometimes they do. This is a quintessentially George piece on compassion and understanding.
Here's what I would add: I suffer when I use (or read others using) words like "good" or "bad" to assess what I am writing. I'm a good writer, I'm a bad writer, that's a good sentence, that's a bad sentence. Probably the "self-conscious" part. Carry too much judgment, too much a part of the "compete in order to be famous" mindset that can plague us. How about "that phrase exactly nails what I meant to convey about that character" or "that passage is flat, I want to get the feeling back in it." Even, "I'm confused about this character." Do you see? These latter are also assessing, but they are constructive, creative, meaningful for the writer.
Ahh, another walker. I am a walker as well, looking forward to Seattle walks. No headphones, no phones - I keep it in my pocket because it tracks my steps. I don't even listen to music when I exercise. I want to immerse myself in my surroundings, zone out or zone in if the environment calls for it. I *do* listen to music, but I engage with it. For me, it's sailing that really gets me to that zen state. So looking forward to getting back to the water.
So looking forward to that, mary. Enjoy your jump in the lake! I’ve got my year planned out. Plan to spend much time at Magnuson with the dachshund at the off-leash park and dog beach, at Sand Point for sailing (I’d love to get a job there), and writing time at Hugo House. So much to do! Exploring the national parks and woodland areas. Not long now - we hit the road on the 24th.
As someone who has anxiety this is spot on. I avoid the terms "suffers from," "dealing with," etc. from my descriptions now. Anxiety for me is biological. I just have these weather systems in my body that can be exacerbated by the environment or my attempts to manage them. I had to give up the idea that it would ever go away completely, but I could learn to live with it like a wild animal pacing the room -- don't provoke; don't attempt to tame; just let it be wild. Walking meditation works for me and looking back on my early years I realize how much of my wandering was walking through the anxiety -- burning off adrenaline and opening myself to the dialogue in my mind. It was becoming a parent and professional that began to limit my ability to work out the anxiety on my own that left me with the problem of anxiety attacks.
For too long, I waited for my anxiety to be cured before I could focus on writing. But it was when I started writing again that I realized writing itself was the walk in the desert that I craved. I could get into a flow state and keep moving through the anxiety. Key to that was allowing myself permission to be terrible, incoherent, and inconsistent. The one voice I allow in my head is, "Keep going." The goal is to see where this is all going. And the deal I made with the beast was, "When I'm done you can eat this work instead of me."
Love this. Thank you, Kevin. Sitting down and writing ameliorates much of my anxiety. Walking, hiking, riding a bike or swimming helps with the rest of it.
I love your ideas about anxiety Mary G. One more idea that helped me while walking was to list all the things I was grateful for. On a bad day my list might start like this: 1.) This green grass I am looking at 2.) The person who planted those lovely peonies 3). My hair is not falling out 4) I am able to walk... and so on from small to large.. I could walk miles and not repeat any items and it is hard to stay anxious or sad when doing this.
Yes absolutely. I wanted to mention gratitude as well but stopped myself from writing even more than I already did. Thank you for bringing it up. It absolutely helps in a huge way. And nature is soothing. Getting outside is key.
Hi Mary! I am wondering if one can take steps to lessen anxiety while simultaneously using it artfully? I suppose it’s a matter of degree. A little neuroticism goes a long way, but too much will result in paralysis. A razor edge. I like all of your suggestions. Fear and anxiety drive much of what I write, as I attempt to tilt toward understanding and love. (Those anxiety-reducing games sound delightful!)
This is a good question. I suppose that lessening anxiety is what i have done through medication and exercise, among other things. And then I guess I am using it artfully, as you say, because it is still there, it is still “me,” and I’m creating through it, or despite it. It’s complicated, and a struggle that comes and goes. As far as those exercises, I’m just a huge fan of constraints when I need them.
Lovely, beautiful, self-conscious, and brave questioner: As always, George has given you a deeply thoughtful answer, full of wisdom, and with workable ideas to actively manage your inner voices. If what he says speaks to you, that is wonderful. I have something to add here from my personal experience that may or may not be helpful. Ignore my words entirely if I am simply off-base.
You mention that when you are in a conversation, inside your head you are thinking about what to say, and after you speak, you wonder if what you just said was quite right. I used to do this. With certain (if not most) people, I would think about what I was about to say, then I would say it, then I would analyze what I just said—all while the conversation was ongoing. It was deeply exhausting. I think many people do this same thing, but not to the extent that my own head went through these mental machinations. It was like trying to solve sixteen difficult math problems all at the same time, with a teacher yelling at me the whole time, no, no, you idiot, what are you doing???—and pretending that no such thing was occurring. Is this what you mean? If not, then no need to read on. If so, then what I think you may have, dear questioner, is anxiety. And not regular anxiety like many people have, but perhaps the debilitating kind. Anxiety of the kind I am speaking of here can ruin a person’s life. I know because I have been there. The constant analysis—which comes from fear—often left me paralyzed. At times, it was easier to simply stay home than venture out the door and make human contact, where I would invariably fuck up in some way I never meant to. Then, I’d come home, think think think, and start the apologies. OY.
George talks very rightly about sending the voices away and then inviting them back in. But an anxious person has a terribly hard time doing this. It makes writing a kind of personal nightmare. You have so many thoughts—an anxious person has SO many thoughts—and you want to put them down so badly. But the anxiety has moved in and will not budge, no matter how nicely you ask it to leave or how much you accept that it is a part of you, or how kind you are to yourself for being who you are. The anxiety just sucks. And your writing? How can a person write when those voices are mocking and strutting and saying terrible things?
So, how to get rid of it? Grasshopper, that is the million dollar question. Getting older helps, but who wants to wait? I’m guessing you know all of the usual ways: taking a tiny anti-depressant, exercising, meditating, therapy. I’ve done all of these and yes, they all help—sort of. The biggest help, for me, is daily walking. No headphones. No walking companion. Just me and the sidewalk and my legs moving briskly. Yes, my mind goes a bit crazy and ruminates while I walk, but it also gets into a bit of a rhythm with the rumination. The main thing is that when I get back home—I walk for one hour—I have moved my body and now it’s okay to sit for awhile. I don’t have to feel anxious about sitting. I can sit with my computer and not feel like I’m supposed to be doing something else. (I also take the aforementioned teeny medication.)
George suggests you find a way to use your self-consciousness, which I’m calling anxiety. I wish anxiety really were a super power that you could put to good use. But anxiety doesn’t have any good sides. It just does not. You can welcome it and ask it to sit down for tea and you can say, please be quiet please, but your anxiety is rarely quieted that way. To my way of thinking, you need to get rid of it. (I realize this is a radical departure from George’s comments. Forgive me, all.) So this last suggestion may sound ridiculous, but honest to god, positive affirmations help. I read from a couple little books every day—one is from al anon and the other from another twelve step program—and damn if those little daily prayers don’t often speak directly to my heart and help me calm down and love myself. Love is the opposite of fear, you know. Positive affirmations about your own strengths and abilities help. I used to think they were so dumb, but I don’t anymore. You don't have to be a 12 step person to get something out of these little kinds of books, by the way. Reading positive thoughts is simply helpful, no matter who you are.
The other thing that helps is focus. When you reach a true zen state of focus and the world falls away, then the anxiety lifts as well. But how to reach this state when writing? I find that if I approach my writing as a puzzle to be solved, then I can more easily focus. So, any kind of constraint really helps. Telling yourself that in the next paragraph you will insert a certain three words is a good little game. Writing three sentences in a row of 20 words each is a good little game. Writing a paragraph in one long sentence is a good little game. Anything that forces you to concentrate on an additional level to the content of your story raises your mind game and forces away the outside voices. We can only concentrate on a few things at once! And then, later, you can rewrite, delete, whatever. All first drafts suck, that is all there is to it. So inserting little games is helpful and you don’t have to keep any of it later.
Good luck to you. I feel for you. I hope the anxiety drops away and leaves you be. In the meantime, please know that there are so many people out here in the world who deal with anxiety and understand how debilitating it can be to one’s life.
Huge apologies if I am off base with this comment. You may not be anxious at all! xo
This is a really good point Mary. I have anxiety and recognised the poster's tendency to analyse every conversation straight away. Like you I take a little medication, exercise, meditate, etc. It all helps but the anxiety is something I accept and live with. Of course it's going to try and sabotage my writing. I like your idea of an hour's walking first thing and coming home with a clear head to sit at your desk. I swim in the Irish Sea all year round and that, more than anything, has helped me to live more peacefully with my anxious mind. It's impossible to think at all when you're catching your breath in freezing water!
Fabulous solution. In the water we are freed from so many burdens.
Thank you for your comment, Allyson. A swim in the Irish Sea sounds amazing (and yes, freezing)!
Yes! The debilitating chatter of my mind held me prisoner for many years (childhood, teens, twenties, and so on…), and using bits of everything you mentioned has helped me so much - probably the medication and walking most of all, but also meditation and reading. And now that I’m in my 40s and a mother, I just seem to not give a shit about listening to that part of my mind as much, either. I just got SO TIRED of it. I have finally achieved enough separation to ignore its haranguing - most days at least. It’s not as easy on nights I’m awake in bed at 3 am. How is it able to get so loud at that hour?
I used to spend a lot of time wondering which was the REAL me. The critical voice or the other one who felt bullied by the critical voice. I like George’s description of them being in two different offices, each having their role and purpose, and finding ways to use both of them. It’s not a battle, it’s is a collaboration.
But I fully agree with you, Mary. There is self-conscious anxiety that everyone has from time to time, and there is Anxiety with a capital A. The latter is a beast and no one should feel like they need to just toughen up and pull themselves up by their bootstraps to get over it.
It takes so much time and work to be able to slam the door shut in the face of the oppressor within. But what a relief to get there.
Thank you for this, Sara. I remember the 3 a.m. wide awake moments, those voices yammering on and on. The two things that helped me the very most were having my children grow up and leave, and simply getting older. But neither was in my control over the years of high anxiety. Well, somehow, I got through. But it wasn’t easy.
Those voices! George nails it--the parts that seem destructive but in fact think they have a helpful role to play. Sometimes they do. This is a quintessentially George piece on compassion and understanding.
Here's what I would add: I suffer when I use (or read others using) words like "good" or "bad" to assess what I am writing. I'm a good writer, I'm a bad writer, that's a good sentence, that's a bad sentence. Probably the "self-conscious" part. Carry too much judgment, too much a part of the "compete in order to be famous" mindset that can plague us. How about "that phrase exactly nails what I meant to convey about that character" or "that passage is flat, I want to get the feeling back in it." Even, "I'm confused about this character." Do you see? These latter are also assessing, but they are constructive, creative, meaningful for the writer.
Ahh, another walker. I am a walker as well, looking forward to Seattle walks. No headphones, no phones - I keep it in my pocket because it tracks my steps. I don't even listen to music when I exercise. I want to immerse myself in my surroundings, zone out or zone in if the environment calls for it. I *do* listen to music, but I engage with it. For me, it's sailing that really gets me to that zen state. So looking forward to getting back to the water.
Lee I am on my way to Magnuson park at this very moment to jump in the lake! Your soon to be hood!
So looking forward to that, mary. Enjoy your jump in the lake! I’ve got my year planned out. Plan to spend much time at Magnuson with the dachshund at the off-leash park and dog beach, at Sand Point for sailing (I’d love to get a job there), and writing time at Hugo House. So much to do! Exploring the national parks and woodland areas. Not long now - we hit the road on the 24th.
The perfect Seattle lifestyle! I hope the drive is enjoyable. (I swam for hours today in the lake.Heaven.)
That sounds so invigorating!
As someone who has anxiety this is spot on. I avoid the terms "suffers from," "dealing with," etc. from my descriptions now. Anxiety for me is biological. I just have these weather systems in my body that can be exacerbated by the environment or my attempts to manage them. I had to give up the idea that it would ever go away completely, but I could learn to live with it like a wild animal pacing the room -- don't provoke; don't attempt to tame; just let it be wild. Walking meditation works for me and looking back on my early years I realize how much of my wandering was walking through the anxiety -- burning off adrenaline and opening myself to the dialogue in my mind. It was becoming a parent and professional that began to limit my ability to work out the anxiety on my own that left me with the problem of anxiety attacks.
For too long, I waited for my anxiety to be cured before I could focus on writing. But it was when I started writing again that I realized writing itself was the walk in the desert that I craved. I could get into a flow state and keep moving through the anxiety. Key to that was allowing myself permission to be terrible, incoherent, and inconsistent. The one voice I allow in my head is, "Keep going." The goal is to see where this is all going. And the deal I made with the beast was, "When I'm done you can eat this work instead of me."
Keep going. That is the all and everything.
The alpha and the omega; the alphabet omelette.
Love this. Thank you, Kevin. Sitting down and writing ameliorates much of my anxiety. Walking, hiking, riding a bike or swimming helps with the rest of it.
I love your ideas about anxiety Mary G. One more idea that helped me while walking was to list all the things I was grateful for. On a bad day my list might start like this: 1.) This green grass I am looking at 2.) The person who planted those lovely peonies 3). My hair is not falling out 4) I am able to walk... and so on from small to large.. I could walk miles and not repeat any items and it is hard to stay anxious or sad when doing this.
Yes absolutely. I wanted to mention gratitude as well but stopped myself from writing even more than I already did. Thank you for bringing it up. It absolutely helps in a huge way. And nature is soothing. Getting outside is key.
Stop stopping yourself, please :)
Ha! Thank you, David.
Hi Mary! I am wondering if one can take steps to lessen anxiety while simultaneously using it artfully? I suppose it’s a matter of degree. A little neuroticism goes a long way, but too much will result in paralysis. A razor edge. I like all of your suggestions. Fear and anxiety drive much of what I write, as I attempt to tilt toward understanding and love. (Those anxiety-reducing games sound delightful!)
This is a good question. I suppose that lessening anxiety is what i have done through medication and exercise, among other things. And then I guess I am using it artfully, as you say, because it is still there, it is still “me,” and I’m creating through it, or despite it. It’s complicated, and a struggle that comes and goes. As far as those exercises, I’m just a huge fan of constraints when I need them.
❤️