Kurt, I appreciate your comments. I was struck, too, by the adult's stoicism. That raised the biggest internal question in my: "Where are these people coming from? What is this culture?" The mother evidenced her grief by the wail Arnold heard as his family returned from the site of the shooting. And then she closed her heart to Arnold. A…
Kurt, I appreciate your comments. I was struck, too, by the adult's stoicism. That raised the biggest internal question in my: "Where are these people coming from? What is this culture?" The mother evidenced her grief by the wail Arnold heard as his family returned from the site of the shooting. And then she closed her heart to Arnold. As unsympathetic as this was, I found that I was able to entertain it as one of a number of possible grief and shock reactions. She blamed Arnold, who was the most proximal human cause. I was able to extend some compassion to her, and hoped that it would turn out to be temporary. But I was horrified for Arnold--how that shunning must have cut into his fragile psyche. It could have really "sealed the deal" for me to project a horribly scarred and stunted development for Arnold and his future. Finally, even the father, I was able to hold in some compassion. In the immediate shock of a child's death, and the tragically messed up way that it happened, almost anything goes. This, unfortunately, comes at the cost of personal experience. It is another way that this story was able to hook me into its believability. I held the whole family and close community in compassion. This is an event that changes the trajectory of many interconnected lives, for good or ill. It exceeds the ability to cope in any of the unrealistic ways we heap upon it, with our mandates for forgiveness and letting go. Society acts as if a great act of grace were an obligation. We do move on, if we survive, but with a giant hole clean through us, which will never close. These expectations and the trite advice and aphorisms that come with them can only serve to make us feel more alone. Yet even the perpetrators of these things are in need of compassion, for they are only trying to comfort themselves from the close touch of death in a death phobic culture.
Kurt, I appreciate your comments. I was struck, too, by the adult's stoicism. That raised the biggest internal question in my: "Where are these people coming from? What is this culture?" The mother evidenced her grief by the wail Arnold heard as his family returned from the site of the shooting. And then she closed her heart to Arnold. As unsympathetic as this was, I found that I was able to entertain it as one of a number of possible grief and shock reactions. She blamed Arnold, who was the most proximal human cause. I was able to extend some compassion to her, and hoped that it would turn out to be temporary. But I was horrified for Arnold--how that shunning must have cut into his fragile psyche. It could have really "sealed the deal" for me to project a horribly scarred and stunted development for Arnold and his future. Finally, even the father, I was able to hold in some compassion. In the immediate shock of a child's death, and the tragically messed up way that it happened, almost anything goes. This, unfortunately, comes at the cost of personal experience. It is another way that this story was able to hook me into its believability. I held the whole family and close community in compassion. This is an event that changes the trajectory of many interconnected lives, for good or ill. It exceeds the ability to cope in any of the unrealistic ways we heap upon it, with our mandates for forgiveness and letting go. Society acts as if a great act of grace were an obligation. We do move on, if we survive, but with a giant hole clean through us, which will never close. These expectations and the trite advice and aphorisms that come with them can only serve to make us feel more alone. Yet even the perpetrators of these things are in need of compassion, for they are only trying to comfort themselves from the close touch of death in a death phobic culture.